Friday, December 31, 2010

vou me mudar pra um ano novo e uma casa velha

The end is abruptly coming with the beginning starting just as abruptly.
Heading East is supposed to be a happy thing, but I'm sad. I'm sad because I will be away from those I have grown to love so, so much. Annnnd I will be facing a future, which I don't really want to deal with right now. The comforting thing is that I will still be an un-adult. I still have tons of school left. And as long as I'm in school, I'm not an adult, right? I remember with Erin graduated from college. Me and Alicia were like, "Whoa! Adult!" Now we are both graduated, and it doesn't feel any different from 3 years ago.

I keep having dreams of the future. Most of the time they make me nervous and anxious. (Partly because sometimes my dreams literally come true.)

One more petty frustration: I am afraid of heights--deathly afraid. Expletives flow freely when I find myself at 60+ feet, and it makes me mad. So mad. I get mad because I love to climb rocks, and sometimes loving to climb rocks means that you climb high. But if I am afraid of heights, I can not climb high. It wouldn't be such a problem (yes it would be) if everyone one around me wasn't afraid of heights. I am the singled one out. When I get high enough, my legs get shaky, my forearms stop contracting and my fingers no longer grip. This leads to falling, and falling really isn't so bad. I was scared of it before, but whateves, I've done it a couple of times now and I don't care about that anymore. It's this height thing that bothers me. Mostly because I don't know what to do to overcome it. It is like this ginormous barrier that keeps me from getting any better.

See you later 2010. I hope that 2011 brings good things. Really good and GREAT things. Noteworthy things.
I think I should have a goal of visiting 4 different countries during 2011 (preferably ones that I have never been to before, but repeats are allowed). Goal made.
A second goal is that I need to do something very awesome. I know this is ambiguous, but I know the feeling I'm going for in my head, and I'm aiming to get the feeling at some point this year.
A third goal is to take charge more. I love to leave responsibilities to other people. I love to be a follower. This isn't because I can't handle responsibility, but because I just don't like to deal with it, and sometimes I feel perfectly inadequate to lead anything. Such a stupid cop-out.
A fourth goal is to write more. I realize that I am not a great writer, but I also don't suck, and sometimes I'm really funny when I write, and most of the time, I really love to write. I think I will start with a short life history, since I will be living at home and will have access to details from my past with all my former journals/diaries so close at hand.
A fifth goal is to run another marathon. That means I need to chose which one to run and buy new running shoes.
A sixth goal is to get over this heights issue. That may involve me doing some dangerous things from very high up. I'm thinking paragliding or sky-diving or bungee-jumping? Or just rock climbing a whole bunch more. Something that would include jumping... This just needs to be gotten over.

GO 2011! BREAK!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

nao tenho nada de paciencia.

I am currently trying to be patient and wait the three minutes my computer says it will take for kanye to finish dling, but I'm desperately impatient. WHY KANYE?! Why are you taking so long? It is 1am in the morning. I don't deserve this!
I feel like I'm 14 again, downloading as much off of napster as possible.
(Thought: I was 14 ten years ago. TEN YEARS AGO.)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

tu sabes quando tu queres algo quando...

The past weekend I was in Ca., which perhaps could have been a mistake (scholastically speaking of course), because my return reigns in 3 midterms and a quiz in 4 days, and who studies when they're on vacation--let's be honest here. It's Tuesday, and I'm putting money on me surviving the week. But my escape will be close. I may not make it out unscathed.

I can't wait for January 15th. On this day I will have NO immediate worries. NONE. No school to study for. No schools to apply to. No rent to pay. Of course, I will be jobless. And therefore, money-less. But who cares, I'll be a college graduate.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Eu creio...

i believe in being a good moral person.
i believe in mistakes.
i believe a woman is special, but not more than a man is.
i believe in my body.
i believe in telling someone their fly is undone or that they have spinach in their teeth.
i believe i am a sexual being, and i like it.
i believe that trees ARE the answer.
i believe in riding, running, climbing, dancing, etc...
i believe beards are beautiful.

i believe in eating tasty foods.
i believe in questions.
i believe in God.
i believe in Earth.
i believe in giving.
i believe in brothers and sisters.
i believe in root systems.

i believe in not doing your homework when you can do something worthwhile like read a good book that will probably stick with you longer than you homework will.
i believe in believing and faith.
i believe in breathing VERY DEEP breaths.
i believe in swimming naked.
i believe in being naked.
i believe in listening and giving chances and going back for seconds.
i believe in costco.
i believe in science.
i believe in birth.
illustration by Barry Falls

i believe in connections, synapses and electricity.

i believe in giving my heart a chance to pump fast and slow, delivering needed resources to my body organs and systems.
i believe that i will never understand the purpose of flys, ticks or mosquitoes.
i believe in harnessing power and releasing it.
i believe in quantum physics.
i believe in being alone.
i believe in love.
i believe in protein.
i believe in the right shoes for the right activity.
i believe in not wearing shoes.

i believe in personal manifestos.
i believe in taking copious notes.
i believe in balance and shifting your weight to keep it.

i believe in childhood friends.
i believe in photographs and eyes.
i believe in mountains.
i believe in my parents.
i believe in gardens.
i believe in writing to the end of a page.
i believe in even the distribution of space.
i believe in stars.

i believe in taking precautions and wearing a helmet and stretching.
i believe in sweating.
i believe humans are inherently good.
i believe in nature and nurture.
i believe in myself.
i believe in water.
i believe in clean laundry.

i believe in warm feet.
i believe in waking up with the sun and going to bed with it too.

Friday, August 27, 2010


I need friends.

Explanation: I have friends. They are humans. They are boys and girls. I have some VERY good friends. I am so happy I have them. They are so good to me. I don't know what I would do with out them. And so I come to realization that I need them. I need friends.

I was thinking earlier about the connection we make with the people we come into contact with and the type of relationship we form that makes us consider closeness with those people. Sitting at my desk at work I look over at my colleagues, who I see EVERY day, and I know that I will never consider a close relationship with any of them. But a 5 minute conversation with another person and it's sealed the deal in regards to our desires for closeness with one another. I have friends who I camp with. Friends who I climb with. Friends who I listen to music with. Friends who I garden with. Friends who I hug. Friends who I just LOVE LOVE LOVE. Friends who I read with. Friends who I go to concerts with. Friends who I laugh with. Then sometimes, SOMETIMES you get lucky. Sometimes you run into people who you can do ALL those things with. Keep those. They are exceptional.

Like this friend:
I like her. A lot.

Monday, August 23, 2010

a distancia fez uma encerrada

"Living for Sabina meant seeing. Seeing is limited by two borders: strong light, which blinds, and total darkness. Perhaps that was what motivated Sabina's distaste for all extremism. Extremes mean borders beyond which life ends, and a passion for extremism, in art and in politics, is a veiled longing for death."
-Milan Kundera (The Unbearable Lightness of Being)

I don't want to die. I want to be able to see.

I love mountaintops.

Monday, August 02, 2010

o que significa ser "bonita"? nada.

I am one year older. One more year to add to my amounting years of wisdom and foolishness. I was perusing on the world of google reader and found a wonderful youtube vid posted on a friends blog. I loved it, so I am reposting it.

What is the meaning of pretty anyway? The word doesn't own any depth.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

a familia que tenho...

Nieces and nephews are probably the best inventions created. They are cute. They love you. They are silly. They make car noises when they play with you. They get excited to make flower crowns and learn how to leg wrestle. I am in love with my nieces and nephews. This weekend I was able to travel up to visit my brother and his beautiful family.

Conner was fascinated with the lines in the leaves--he would hold them up to the sunlight and point them out for me.
Adventurous Sebrina and Tricia.
Cadin and his great hair.
Conner sitting on the porch waiting for the sun to set.
Chris, Tricia, Me, Conner, Cadin, Sebrina and Abree in front of the Idaho Falls on the Snake River.

Family is so fulfilling.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

as cabelas nao aguenta mais esse ritima

I've been trying a new thing: not washing my hair. Inspired by my dear friend Sara, as well as my age-long desire to dread my hair, I decided to experiment. After almost 2 weeks of not washing the locks, I decided I do not fancy the non-washing regime. Perhaps a week of non-washing is tolerable. My issue is not the way my hair looks but how it feels. My hair itself looks great. It gets very curly, and I've gotten several complements. But my hair is far from touchable. As Emma says, "Please just touch the lower portions." But seriously, just touch the lower portions because the closer you get to my scalp, the thicker and heavier and oilier my hair gets. Don't be grossed out. My hair is NOT dirty. I rinse it on a regular basis, but the natural oils have built up a bit. It basically feels as if I have a lot of product in my hair. On the upside, my hair requires absolutely NO maintenance.
Alicia and I were discussing last night our long hair. Conclusion: we love it. Two and a half years ago Alicia and I, along with our friend Erin, made a pact to not cut our hair (we were all sporting short hair at the time) until I got back from my mission. I've been back from my mission for a year, and none of us have seriously gone to the scissors. Probably the best pact we could have ever made.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

escrever para esclarecer.

I've been doing this thing the past couple of weeks. Just writing exercises. In the morning I sit and write until I can't write any more or until I have at least 3 pages. I believe the recent surge of blog-making urges can be attributed to this.

Sometimes the days are COMPLETELY overwhelming for no reason. Today I worked for three hours. That's it. But I arrived home utterly exhausted, believe this was a result of thinking too much. I spoke with my mother. She was making strawberry jam, and I became suddenly homesick. This doesn't happen very often, but when it does it is strong and it's then that I must leave the land of college and being alone and enter the family world. Since it was too early in the day to head to my sister's, I did the next best thing: I headed to Alpine. Alpine is the home of my second family. A place where I can pretend I'm 18 years old again and living in CT. Spending all day under the sun, surrounded by the glorious mountains, in a saline pool, with little ones and a brand new puppy has its healing factors.

Ten things I would like to do before I die:
1. Make a beautiful quilt
2. Be a midwife
3. Write my memoirs
4. Maintain a flourishing garden
5. Build a bed
6. Teach a child how to ride a bike
7. Teach a women to love herself
8. Say "I love you" and kiss a tree in all 50 states
9. Hike the Appalachian trail
10. Climb a mountain a year

sou uma boa pessoa

Have you ever wanted to change something in your life? Bad habits mainly? Something that you do almost on accident because you don't realize that it's even happening?
I do.
A lot.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

faz um ano

Chegei da missao faz um ano. Que coisa mais incrivel.

I realize I am not a competent blogger, and after a couple of attempts it has become apparent that blogging is not my calling.
And yet, I blog.
Perhaps its an internal fear of not writing something clever enough for people to enjoy. Maybe that same fear that keeps me quiet and listening in a crowd rather than life of the party is the one that keeps my creative juices flowing. Perhaps I just need to think more.
A question was presented the other night: what is it about yourself that you are currently changing your mind about it? I was supposed to answer it, and at first I knew what it was, but now I'm not so sure. I tend to talk about change a lot. I like the idea of change of moving on. I thought I was turning into someone who was capable of change. I sincerely thought that this was it! But when I am put face to face with changes I should be making, I push change away. I rationalize and I want to continue on the path I've been following for some time.
So bottom line: I am a hypocrite and you probably shouldn't listen to what I say. Although I may say some encouraging things or give inspiring and clever and smart advice, I don't listen to half the things that come out of my mouth.
But I don't think I'm alone in this, and that is the comforting to me. I know there are other people in this world and in my little sphere of existence that have these tendencies, and perhaps we are getting better. I know I'm trying.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A lista vai para sempre

I have always been accustomed to making lists. I think it comes from my mother. I love the pleasure that comes from crossing off something you have previously written down. Grocery lists, packing lists, book lists, to-do lists, pro/con lists--the list (hehe) could go on! My favorite list to make has always been in my planner. I love to write down my plans for the day and then recap and cross the things off that I accomplish. It gives a productive feeling.

But a little less than a year ago, I got the notorious iPhone. It has a calender inside, on which you can put in events and things to do. You can even set an alarm to go off to remind you to do those things--you basic PDA functions. I thought, now that I have this wonderful feature, I can put the old planner away. Technology won over paper. Or so I thought.

After 10 months of trying to adapt to the PDA-style of keeping a planner and making lists, I found that I can't connect with technology in that way! The joy of seeing the daily list shrink as you bring the pen down and run your strike through the individual words was gone. It's like something inside of me was rebelling, saying, "You are better than a computer! Are you letting IT control your life?" This inner rebellion kept me from keeping appointments and making to-do lists and lessened my productivity. (OK, so I can't blame it ALL on the iPhone, but I can put a little blame on the thing.)

I reached the pivot-point last night. I was tired of not crossing things off! Not paying attention to the things I needed to do during the day because of a inner rebellion against technology. No, I did not resolve to give in to this rebellion, it is still alive and well inside of me. But I did pull out my planner. My beloved BYU, recycled paper, academic planner! This morning I sat on my bed and joyously wrote down what I needed to do this week in my planner. That old feeling of productivity rolled back into my heart. The confidence to accomplish crept in. Empowered.

The iPhone is still in use: email checking, banking, facebook stalking, game playing, information getting, texting, phone calling, etc... But never again will I substitute my planner for electric calendars. Not even for the notorious iPhone.

I have already crossed off numerous things from today--I am tempted to write down "go to bed" just so I can cross it off and feel that feeling.

What a great day it was.

Monday, March 22, 2010

a palavra é chega

The emotion extinguisher (ē-mō-shun x-ting-gwish-ur):
1. Eradicating any emotion associated with bad and/or sinful acts.
2. The act of running away from awkward, intimate and/or embarrassing moments.
3. Comparable to a human version of the fire extinguisher.

Thank you Wills.

I just finished my rough draft for my causal analysis of Pregnancy-Induced Hypertension. I am pumped. My mother is going to talk to Dr. Irwin, her associate, who after almost 20 years, has finally been able to do his long-awaited clinical trial of thiamine, and who also inspired me to write this paper. Thiamine, Dr. Irwin says, is the answer to curing PIH, which currently has no known cause or effective treatment and affects 5-10% of all pregnancy's worldwide. According to Dr. Irwin, PIH is caused by a Thiamine (thiamin: vitamin B1, responsible for facilitating carbohydrate metabolism in the cell in order to provide energy for proper function) deficiency and can be treated effectively through thiamine supplementation. If you want to know more about it, let me know, I've become an expert.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

eu nao estou esquecendo quem sou eu

Sitting here in Provo, I realize how daunting life is becoming. My constant thought is, "What am I getting myself into?" How am I supposed to live up with the expectations that I am setting myself up for? It is so easy to take the simple route out. It is expected to shy away from challenges and go the known, proven course. But that makes me sick. How can I know what I know or feel what I feel and not go out out and change the world with that knowledge? Or at least my own life. I hate how silent I find myself. It is like standing on the edge of a large cliff. Below is the rushing water. You can taste it in your mouth and long to be drawn away in its fast current, but the jump that will carry you from where you are above to the water below is long, and the impact scares you. You look down and see how easy it is--just one simple step, but you also realize that once you jump, there is no turning back. You will get wet and you will be carried away. Sure, you may get out further downstream, but you will still be wet and you will never be able to erase your jump. Advise to self, "Speak up and jump, you like being wet anyway."

Church (I'm Mormon) today was interesting. In Relief Society, there was a thought-provoking (blood-boiling) non-doctrinal and opinion-based lesson taught on women and how we are innately Christ-like because of our physiological/physical ability to have children, concluding that we are special (better than men) and we should be proud of that. (WHAT?!) Perpetuating inequality by putting women on a pedestal or saying we are better than men or saying that if you don't have children then you aren't Christ-like is wrong and anything but doctrinally based. Last time I checked, men and women were created to work together, equally yoked, in their differences to achieve a common goal. I am woman. You are man. But I will no sooner say that I am better than a man than say I don't need God. It was good to hear the teachers words, if only confirm to myself my feelings on the subject.

I have been pretty dedicated to climbing at the gym these past couple of months. I am prepping for the summer; the prospect of being able to spend a whole day on the rock, outside, without being exhausted or sore (like always) excites me.

Sandra Bullock just won an Oscar. Seriously?

Saturday, February 27, 2010

alguns pensamentos...

Eu estava pensando um pouco a respeito do mundo, da minha vida, de como estou passando dia apos dia, das pessoas na meu redor. Acho que e estranho que a gente gosta tanto de complicar as coisas que na sao complicadas--falando de fulando e sucrando--por alguns, uma solucao simples nao e uma solucao certo por que nao podem deixar o que ja sabem. Eles nao consiguem abrir suas cabecas e aceitam ideias diferentes. Eles nao aceitam por que e diferente e so isso. E isso nao pode ser assim. E ridiculo as vezes a maneira em que nos agimos. A gente nao quer mudar; nao quer pensar diferente.
Eu tava falando com alguns amigos e chegei a realidade que eu sou abencoado. Tenho pessoas--amigos--que pensam fora da caixa, que querem um mundo melhor. Espero que possamos ver isso um dia, que realizamos um mundo melhor--juntos. Um individuo por cada vez.
Ta bom. Sei que to indo numa circulo com esses comentarios, mas tinha que botar em algum lugar.

Meu portugues esta horrivel.

In other news. Last week, I went to to mountains with Jason. We took up some snowshoes and ventured out up Provo Canyon. It has been too long since I have been outside experiencing nature the way I love to experience it. Slowly, and taking it all in one step at a time.

Monday, February 01, 2010

relembrando o passado e olhando para o futuro

I miss summer. I know I'm not supposed to be the one to say that. I know I love winter and snow and cold and all that that entails. But seriously, I miss summer. And those tan lines.

I have been home for 7 months from Brasil. I think about my time spent home and wonder if I've done anything good in comparison to the 18 months I spent in Canela, Montenegro and Farroupilha. I hope that my progress hasn't been deterred by my time home, at school, with friends, etc.. I hope my desire to ever be a change in peoples lives hasn't been thwarted by my selfishness.

This is picture is of Rosie's family. Hours upon hours spent with this women. Teaching, loving, praying, playing, cooking, eating... Oh how I miss Rosie.

A lot of nostalgia has been floating around lately. Digging through past pictures and music and journals. It's been interesting to relive the feelings and experiences I had and to remember the people who I've met and loved.

When Rae and I lived together, we only had one chair and one desk. We utilized that. I miss our bald heads and padawan braids.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

feliz ano novo e que seja tudo que tu esperes...

A new year calls for resolutions.
They are not going up here.
BUT what I will put up here is some thoughts I have been having with the beginning of this new year.

I love and cherish this second time 'round photo.

Often when I find myself in the situation of celebrating the passage of time, may it be birthdays or Christmas--New Years is no different--I find myself reflecting upon the old cliche of how fast the time flies. This time last year I was on another side of the world with completely different focuses. I think that time passing is such a weird concept and think I would rather have a world in which time did not exist. Maybe people would be healthier. Maybe people would spend time with each other. Maybe there would be less heartbreak. Maybe. Oh what an uneven and lost little word.

In the last year I have had a lot of changes in my life. A LOT. Most for the better, some for the worse.
The thing that always strikes me as so wonderfully convenient and not so fully taken advantage of is the opportunity that we each have to change. Reinvention. Adaptation. Tweeking. Forgiving.
Change is the moving force. Change in ourselves is the most vital. When we are able to change ourselves it becomes easier to become the change in the world. Many people have that backwards. They think that being the change in the world will enact some change in themselves. Or maybe just be the cover up for insecurities they have. Whatever the case, it remains that each moment is a moment to become. To evolve. To reflect. Failure to do so will inflict very plain and simple and perhaps painful realities that life was too short and was not taken advantage of.

Due to a recent conversation I will turn my attention to a subject that I think deserves attention. It should be the underlining subject of all learning and all loving. That is humility. I most surely do not paint myself as a particularly humble person. (I have been accused of being quite the opposite). I find it hard sometimes to see myself in people and therefore treat them as they should be treated. Humility would save the world if people would let it. If we could and would all be humble idealists, I think I would be a different person.
I cannot be anyone without you. That to me is an eternal truth.

Discovery should be made with care and with purpose.
"Education is not the filling of a pail. It is the lighting of a fire." -Yeats