Sunday, March 07, 2010

eu nao estou esquecendo quem sou eu

Sitting here in Provo, I realize how daunting life is becoming. My constant thought is, "What am I getting myself into?" How am I supposed to live up with the expectations that I am setting myself up for? It is so easy to take the simple route out. It is expected to shy away from challenges and go the known, proven course. But that makes me sick. How can I know what I know or feel what I feel and not go out out and change the world with that knowledge? Or at least my own life. I hate how silent I find myself. It is like standing on the edge of a large cliff. Below is the rushing water. You can taste it in your mouth and long to be drawn away in its fast current, but the jump that will carry you from where you are above to the water below is long, and the impact scares you. You look down and see how easy it is--just one simple step, but you also realize that once you jump, there is no turning back. You will get wet and you will be carried away. Sure, you may get out further downstream, but you will still be wet and you will never be able to erase your jump. Advise to self, "Speak up and jump, you like being wet anyway."

Church (I'm Mormon) today was interesting. In Relief Society, there was a thought-provoking (blood-boiling) non-doctrinal and opinion-based lesson taught on women and how we are innately Christ-like because of our physiological/physical ability to have children, concluding that we are special (better than men) and we should be proud of that. (WHAT?!) Perpetuating inequality by putting women on a pedestal or saying we are better than men or saying that if you don't have children then you aren't Christ-like is wrong and anything but doctrinally based. Last time I checked, men and women were created to work together, equally yoked, in their differences to achieve a common goal. I am woman. You are man. But I will no sooner say that I am better than a man than say I don't need God. It was good to hear the teachers words, if only confirm to myself my feelings on the subject.

I have been pretty dedicated to climbing at the gym these past couple of months. I am prepping for the summer; the prospect of being able to spend a whole day on the rock, outside, without being exhausted or sore (like always) excites me.

Sandra Bullock just won an Oscar. Seriously?


Kate said...

Found your blog from Sara Vranes.

I wrote a post about Romantic Paternalism (and the closing of the WRI)... and then Sara and I were on KRCL chatting about it. Good times.

kayte said...

thanks, kate! i read your post, and loved it.