Monday, April 22, 2013

creio, com todo esparanca que possuo

I am tired.
I am more productive at night.
I sleeeeeeep in when I can, do nothing on the interweb till 3 or 4 in the afternoon. THEN I start doing whatever's on the to-do list.
Sometimes I work.
Sometimes I attend births.
Sometimes I sit/hike/laugh with friends.
Most of the times I should be studying.
I am forever needing breaks.
I rarely get them.
I always need to be outside.
I'm wearing glasses right now because that's what I do when my eyes hurt.
I skype with people who I love. A lot.
I love to be at home.
I love to make things/food with my mom.
I love to be honest.
I love to love those who love to love me back.
And I love my new bookcase because it means that my books are not in boxes and I can look at them and read them. To have them in my very presence brings me a lot of joy.

Sometimes people underestimate me. They think I am like other people. Other women. Other humans. I've come to discover that (as much as I would LIKE to be like other people) I am not. I've developed an (un)healthy amount of apathy towards many things. My rational mind perhaps has a bit more of a pull than my emotional mind. I can't expect many things out of many people. I don't like to look stupid, and will always try to exude confidence in myself, as well as other people.
AT the same time: I understand the need for vulnerability, expectations, etc... among other things in life/relationships and the balance of these two sides of myself is the most delicate of things. I depend on my heart a lot to know what direction to go, what to say, when to say it, who to talk to, who to love, who to befriend, who to reach out to.
BUT, at the risk of sounding like I have a hard, calloused, tough heart, I will say this: I HOPE. And I believe that HOPE is much different from expectation. I carry a lot of hope around with me. I see things in people and I HOPE they can be or say or do or feel the way that makes them feel good about themselves and the people around them. I HOPE that people can make changes. Follow through. Be happy. Love themselves. I HOPE so much sometimes. I HOPE all the time.
And somehow that hope helps me to not lose hope in humanity and the people I stay connected to.
Watching the whole Boston Marathon bombing debacle unfold before my eyes, live, on the television, through phone notifications from CNN, on the radio, from the people around me, makes me question hope. Why do people do sad things. (I can't even put a question mark there, because to question it would make me lose hope in humanity, and I need to believe that the majority of people are good. Are kind. That they love. That they want the best. That they see the need for generosity and tolerance.)
You've probably seen this video posted a gazillion times already, and you've probably already watched it a couple as well. But it encourages me to keep on hoping.
Some of my favorite verses found in the Book of Mormon, Moroni 7:41-48, inspire me to no end. They are the heart and soul of what I want to be. I want to radiate hope and love.
41 And what is it that ye shall ahope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have bhope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life ceternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.
 42 Wherefore, if a man have afaith he bmust needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.
 43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be ameek, and lowly of heart.
 44 If so, his afaith and hope is vain, for none is bacceptable before God, save the cmeek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and dconfesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.
 45 And acharity suffereth long, and is bkind, and cenvieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily dprovoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
 46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
 47 But acharity is the pure blove of Christ, and it endurethcforever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
 48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, apray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true bfollowers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall cbe like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be dpurified even as he is pure. Amen.


sara said...


you wear glasses?!


kayte brown said...

Yup. For reading and stuff. True story.

kayte brown said...
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