a palavra é chega

The emotion extinguisher (ē-mō-shun x-ting-gwish-ur):

1. Eradicating any emotion associated with bad and/or sinful acts.

2. The act of running away from awkward, intimate and/or embarrassing moments.

3. Comparable to a human version of the fire extinguisher.

Thank you Wills.

I just finished my rough draft for my causal analysis of Pregnancy-Induced Hypertension. I am pumped. My mother is going to talk to Dr. Irwin, her associate, who after almost 20 years, has finally been able to do his long-awaited clinical trial of thiamine, and who also inspired me to write this paper. Thiamine, Dr. Irwin says, is the answer to curing PIH, which currently has no known cause or effective treatment and affects 5-10% of all pregnancy's worldwide. According to Dr. Irwin, PIH is caused by a Thiamine (thiamin: vitamin B1, responsible for facilitating carbohydrate metabolism in the cell in order to provide energy for proper function) deficiency and can be treated effectively through thiamine supplementation. If you want to know more about it, let me know, I've become an expert.

eu nao estou esquecendo quem sou eu

Sitting here in Provo, I realize how daunting life is becoming. My constant thought is, "What am I getting myself into?" How am I supposed to live up with the expectations that I am setting myself up for? It is so easy to take the simple route out. It is expected to shy away from challenges and go the known, proven course. But that makes me sick. How can I know what I know or feel what I feel and not go out out and change the world with that knowledge? Or at least my own life. I hate how silent I find myself. It is like standing on the edge of a large cliff. Below is the rushing water. You can taste it in your mouth and long to be drawn away in its fast current, but the jump that will carry you from where you are above to the water below is long, and the impact scares you. You look down and see how easy it is--just one simple step, but you also realize that once you jump, there is no turning back. You will get wet and you will be carried away. Sure, you may get out further downstream, but you will still be wet and you will never be able to erase your jump. Advise to self, "Speak up and jump, you like being wet anyway."

Church (I'm Mormon) today was interesting. In Relief Society, there was a thought-provoking (blood-boiling) non-doctrinal and opinion-based lesson taught on women and how we are innately Christ-like because of our physiological/physical ability to have children, concluding that we are special (better than men) and we should be proud of that. (WHAT?!) Perpetuating inequality by putting women on a pedestal or saying we are better than men or saying that if you don't have children then you aren't Christ-like is wrong and anything but doctrinally based. Last time I checked, men and women were created to work together, equally yoked, in their differences to achieve a common goal. I am woman. You are man. But I will no sooner say that I am better than a man than say I don't need God. It was good to hear the teachers words, if only confirm to myself my feelings on the subject.

I have been pretty dedicated to climbing at the gym these past couple of months. I am prepping for the summer; the prospect of being able to spend a whole day on the rock, outside, without being exhausted or sore (like always) excites me.

Sandra Bullock just won an Oscar. Seriously?

alguns pensamentos...

Eu estava pensando um pouco a respeito do mundo, da minha vida, de como estou passando dia apos dia, das pessoas na meu redor. Acho que e estranho que a gente gosta tanto de complicar as coisas que na sao complicadas--falando de fulando e sucrando--por alguns, uma solucao simples nao e uma solucao certo por que nao podem deixar o que ja sabem. Eles nao consiguem abrir suas cabecas e aceitam ideias diferentes. Eles nao aceitam por que e diferente e so isso. E isso nao pode ser assim. E ridiculo as vezes a maneira em que nos agimos. A gente nao quer mudar; nao quer pensar diferente.

Eu tava falando com alguns amigos e chegei a realidade que eu sou abencoado. Tenho pessoas--amigos--que pensam fora da caixa, que querem um mundo melhor. Espero que possamos ver isso um dia, que realizamos um mundo melhor--juntos. Um individuo por cada vez.

Ta bom. Sei que to indo numa circulo com esses comentarios, mas tinha que botar em algum lugar.

Meu portugues esta horrivel.

In other news. Last week, I went to to mountains with Jason. We took up some snowshoes and ventured out up Provo Canyon. It has been too long since I have been outside experiencing nature the way I love to experience it. Slowly, and taking it all in one step at a time.

relembrando o passado e olhando para o futuro

I miss summer. I know I'm not supposed to be the one to say that. I know I love winter and snow and cold and all that that entails. But seriously, I miss summer. And those tan lines.

I have been home for 7 months from Brasil. I think about my time spent home and wonder if I've done anything good in comparison to the 18 months I spent in Canela, Montenegro and Farroupilha. I hope that my progress hasn't been deterred by my time home, at school, with friends, etc.. I hope my desire to ever be a change in peoples lives hasn't been thwarted by my selfishness.

This is picture is of Rosie's family. Hours upon hours spent with this women. Teaching, loving, praying, playing, cooking, eating... Oh how I miss Rosie.

A lot of nostalgia has been floating around lately. Digging through past pictures and music and journals. It's been interesting to relive the feelings and experiences I had and to remember the people who I've met and loved.

When Rae and I lived together, we only had one chair and one desk. We utilized that. I miss our bald heads and padawan braids.

feliz ano novo e que seja tudo que tu esperes...

A new year calls for resolutions.

They are not going up here.

BUT what I will put up here is some thoughts I have been having with the beginning of this new year.

I.

I love and cherish this second time 'round photo.

II.

Often when I find myself in the situation of celebrating the passage of time, may it be birthdays or Christmas--New Years is no different--I find myself reflecting upon the old cliche of how fast the time flies. This time last year I was on another side of the world with completely different focuses. I think that time passing is such a weird concept and think I would rather have a world in which time did not exist. Maybe people would be healthier. Maybe people would spend time with each other. Maybe there would be less heartbreak. Maybe. Oh what an uneven and lost little word.

III.

In the last year I have had a lot of changes in my life. A LOT. Most for the better, some for the worse.

The thing that always strikes me as so wonderfully convenient and not so fully taken advantage of is the opportunity that we each have to change. Reinvention. Adaptation. Tweeking. Forgiving.

Change is the moving force. Change in ourselves is the most vital. When we are able to change ourselves it becomes easier to become the change in the world. Many people have that backwards. They think that being the change in the world will enact some change in themselves. Or maybe just be the cover up for insecurities they have. Whatever the case, it remains that each moment is a moment to become. To evolve. To reflect. Failure to do so will inflict very plain and simple and perhaps painful realities that life was too short and was not taken advantage of.

IV.

Due to a recent conversation I will turn my attention to a subject that I think deserves attention. It should be the underlining subject of all learning and all loving. That is humility. I most surely do not paint myself as a particularly humble person. (I have been accused of being quite the opposite). I find it hard sometimes to see myself in people and therefore treat them as they should be treated. Humility would save the world if people would let it. If we could and would all be humble idealists, I think I would be a different person.

I cannot be anyone without you. That to me is an eternal truth.

V.

Discovery should be made with care and with purpose.

"Education is not the filling of a pail. It is the lighting of a fire." -Yeats

fiz uma volta

Listening to: Reigning Sound

Things like to fall in place every once in a while. I like it when things come back to you in full circle. Back to square one, except not really. I like to think of it as an elevated, promoted square one.

I bought a turkey today. Yes. A turkey. My first. Tomorrow, we (the house, my lovelies) will be cooking a pre-family-pre-departure-pre-thanksgiving feast. My family away from family.

Wash your hands. Things just work better that way.

sobreviver.

Oh, HEY snowy mountains!

Ghostly.

Minha casa tem aranhas

No matter how many times I upload this picture it stays upside down. Oh well. You get the idea of how awesome my purchases were.

I've remembered how much I love the GZA/RZA/Ghostface Killah as well as a couple of other gems, such as the ones pictured above. I love the diversity. My roommate Christine walked into my room today and stated that she has no clue what will come out of my speakers next. I don't think I would think much of sweet tunes if you couldn't mix it up a little (lot) bit. I love Frank Sinatra, Bach, Kelly Clarkson, Aesop Rock, The Beatles, The Misfits, Ghost Mice, Mirah or The Reatards as much as the next person. But seriously guyz...

Rediscovery. I think that's been the theme of this week. Isn't it wonderful? It's almost as sweet as the first time. Or even better! It's like a newer, stronger and more head strong person has emerged from where I came from. It's pretty powerful.

On another note, ya'll should check out whats going down with the WRI. Tomorrow should be a fun day.

fala sim fala nao.

Winter is upon us, and with it brings new challenges. It seems to me that someone out there is trying to teach me patience. Like Kristy said yesterday...PATIENCE! I love my trips to the temple with Kristy. We have started a wonderful tradition/habit.

Things are winding down with school (or just starting, I just can't quite tell which). This is only a gentle but stark reminder of the repeated cliche of how fast time really does fly.

Things at work are normal. Things at school are normal. Things at home are normal. I never seem to have time to do anything. To finish anything. I find it difficult to stop looking and depending on the future to take away the angst of right now. I guess it's becoming apparent how hard it is to live in RIGHT NOW. But depending on the future is just so subjective. You can't depend on tomorrow. You can't know anything about 5 minutes from now.

I am reading a book. It is called "The cry and the covenant". My mom gave it to me. I love my mom. She is a literary genius. She reads and reads and reads and reads. She loves to read, and I am so happy that perhaps she has passed this love down to me. She read this book when she was younger. It tells the story of a young hungarian doctor living and practicing at the renowned hospital at Vienna in the late 1800's before the era of the germ theory. It makes me cringe to read of the doctors going from autopsy room to the delivery room, wiping the blood and the pus on their jackets as a sign of their wisdom and tenure. It is a fascinating book.

I think I'm feeling pretty wonderful. I mean--life isn't perfect, and truth be told, I have to fight to keep a positive outlook on life (pessimism is SOOO easy), but I feel balanced. I feel well. I sometimes wonder when the rain will come. That does keep me on my feet. The rain. I am really just trying to keep up with my philosophy that moderation is everything. If I am so full of this, I cannot enjoy that.

I am tempted to upload a recording of a t-pain-esq song that I made up on 'i am t-pain', an app I downloaded a bit ago, but of late I have been practicing my self-control, so I'm not going to do that. But if you really do want to hear it, I'm taking requests.

diz-me que chegei no momento certo

Right now I am hearing a "Meet your Baker" (aka Scifi's uncle) segment on Fxx Nxxx via youtube via facebook--Scifi and Alicia are peeing their pants as they watch and I sit here; Dani is on the sewing machine making her sister a baby sling--a bling; and thinking about our noise generation. There are so many things going on. It never occurred to me that this could be a good thing. But as my priorities are being sorted and set, I am realizing that life and it's noises and things are very much manageable.

Here is an photo update of the noises and things in my life:

! Cindy. You take away our porch sitting rights. I hope you are happy.

@ This is my reaction to missing the greatest photo opportunity that has been set before me in my whole entire life.

# These shoes were made for waiting in line to hear the prophets voice.

$ 21,000 people gathered on a Saturday to be counseled and filled.

% I live with these girls. Everyday. My life doesn't get much better.

^ Oh, I love you too!

& Bringing back Brasil. CTM sisters 4 lyfe.

* a record of my favorite outfit of 2009 thus far. This photo does not do justice to my shoes, which are the best part. I don't care what people say. I LOVE my clogs.

( Two things should be mentioned about this photo: one, the cake looks like poop, and two, yes, someones baby lost their pacifier because they were probably staring at the cake-poop.

) When you decide to do heavy duty cleaning with heavy duty chemicals, you SHOULD wear rubber gloves. I did not have any while cleaning the other day, and despite the use of plastic bags, the clorox and oven cleaner were too much for my poor hands. Chemical burns are no fun and they represent my stupidity. These are the rubber gloves that I acquired by way of present from Lindsey. She covertly left them at my work all wrapped up. You can be assured that I WILL use them next time I do heavy duty cleaning.

! This is the beautiful blue sky and the beautiful wispy clouds and the majestic mountains and the two buildings that own my life.

These are my latest impressions: that I am truly trying to focus every day. It's hard to do. I speak Portuguese everyday and that makes me so happy. I LOVE finding things that amaze me. I want people to see what I see in through my eyes. My perception of life is completely different than yours. We see what we perceive. And if we don't have the receptors for what's before us we will never perceive it. I enjoy epic music and jamming. Priorities and organization.

Till next time.

A gente não concorda.

I stepped into the horrid testing testing center today. First time in 2 years. Wow. What a feeling of anxiety. It very much brings me into a tizzy--knowing that I have to return yet two more times this week. I guess things like this are inevitable when you are me. I wish I was like Alicia and had only stepped into the testing twice in my life. I think things would would be so wonderful if that were a reality. I also think it would be wonderful if one of those stupid notes people leave at the bottom of the testing center stairs were for me. (I will be at the TC on Wednesday and again on Friday...Just in case anyone wanted to know.)

My sister and I comparing whose scarf hair looks better. I win.

On a side note: I am not fond of my computer.

Other side note: I will be contributing to this blog, so YOU should check it out.

o! as possibilidades.

I bought a new coat.

I used to be so witty. I don't know what has happend. I think too many science classes.

Too many people tonight. Post-mission anxiety followed. Didn't go to Mona. Did go have some pretty awesome conversations with some pretty great people. Well, yea. Anyway. Did you know that hotels are NOT required to look under a bed when cleaning? Beware of what you might find there.

Last night and this morning I think I played hide-n-go-seek around the amount of 20+ times. I loved every minute of it. I love being a little kid again. LOVE IT. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.

I made 2 lb.s of fresh salsa tonight. No joke. We downed most of it, along with a 3 lb. bag of Santitos chips and a 1/2 bag of Costco chips. In a span of 6 hours.

Don't you hate it when you want to like someone, and you do, but it's not who you should like and you don't like liking and it doesn't matter anyway because that person doesn't even like you? Jibberish. Hypethetically speaking, that would really suck. It would suck even more in real life.

I miss the suffocating amount of trees there are in CT.

Tenho saudades de falar em portugues. Tambem, fique frustrada porque o taclaro de meu computador nao tem os acentos da lingua portuguesa.

Quero ser um livro.

nao quero que aquela coisa se muda...

Bombshell was dropped today and not handled well. Apparently, if I would like to graduate in the major I want, I will have to go to school at least 3 1/2 more years. Forget that. Goodbye goal of leaving BYU with a nursing degree. It's not too bad. I just had to modify a few things. I am now an Exercise Science major (I love that my major has the word science in it). It will take me a year to graduate and then on to some other school that has an accelerated nursing program. I really wish that advisor lady wasn't such an insensitive ass and that BYU wasn't so damn competitive. Way to dash dreams. COME ON.

(OK, so not a dream dasher--just a dream delayer. But it is such a discouraging setback.)

How many people fit in my car?

que possa desfrutar as belezas da terra...

Adventures in the south.

Fire on the mountain.

Siblings.

Descending.

Christine/Chris and water.

This weekend was very wonderful.

I think that it's the way we do things that makes me want to keep doing it.

de onde nós somos

I was getting ready to leave the house to go to SLC the other day and I remembered something an old friend would do ever time she would walk out the door and get into her car. I went to look at physical music that I own and I picked 3 CDs to listen to in the car on my drive. \\

1. Come on Miracle - Mirah
2. Rubber Soul - The Beatles
3. Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie

It hit me on the return drive that few musical artists have really changed my life. I want to be amazed and taken aback. I want to move and need more. I need it.
It hit me how much I things (I guess people too) to change my life. Whether it be a song, a book, a picture, a friend, an acquaintance...
I am doing a outright horrible job trying to explain this. But. It doesn't really matter. The point is, I love "Exactly Where We're From" by Mirah. \\

o sol nasceu. estou aqui e estou amando cada momento.

After a year an a half hiatus, I would like to officially restart this blog.


Updates are in line.
1. My year and a half as a missionary in the Porto Alegre, Brasil area was a success. It was what I needed at that time in my life-just a little time to NOT think of myself. Life as a missionary is fast paced, intense and so full of sadness/happiness. I am happy to be back.
2. I have returned home (to Utah). I live with people that are just beautiful.
3. I am scared scared scared to start school. Again. It looks like I've been putting off being an undergraduate for too long. Time to 'buckle down'.

Thats all.

a tempting look at the future.

48 days left. Just sayin...

Everything that needed to be done in UT was accomplished. It's a little bit sad to think of that small valley I call my Home and know that I won't be back in it's loving arms for another 2 years. Milly asked me if I was scared of coming back. Essentially, was I scared of the inevitable change that will take place between then and now? Am I? NO. Not in the slightest. I think I learned something valuable on my trip back to the wild west: things change. Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm a stickler for change. In my heart of hearts I detest it, but I think I've learned to accept and adapt to what life decides to give me. Most importantly I've learned how to be happy despite the changes that occur in my own little world. Move on and keep your priorities straight, and don't forget to take a step back and breath, and LOVE EVERYONE.

Ugh. That just sounded WAY too grown up.

I realize I'm not a genius. I'm not even really smart. I'm just average, but I love to know thing, and I love knowing answers to questions.

p.s. i love you so much

is there kayte in the audience? k-a-y-t-e? this is for you, happy birthday.

"Well, the time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things..." Like how I have turned the monumental age of decision: 21. It is true. To ring in this new age, I had this young Swede pictured above sing sweet nothings into my ear. He even gave me a song as a gift-Amsterdam. Wasn't that wonderful of him? I was quite appreciative, that is for sure. He was so handsome, and I'm optimistically in love with the thought of his smile.

Then this girl who lives in San Fransisco:


Told these guys it was my birthday when they played there. Then they came to Provo on Monday and sang a beautiful song to me for my birthday as well.

Milking for all a birthday's worth you say? YES. Thank you Erin Leigh. Thank you Björn Yttling. Thank you; thank you for a magical birthday.

a brick of a phone that will be no good come september

1. Mischief
Causing mischief and mayhem is something I enjoy. I try to stay away from that which might hurt or offend, but sometimes it's something I can not avoid. Current mischief is definitely entertaining and ongoing.
2. Late Nights
Average bedtime is 2:30. I need to change that, but I have decided that this is MY summer, so giving up a good time in exchange for some sleep is NOT an option for me. I have my whole life to catch up on sleep.
3. Birthdays

The day I am defined by is coming up soon. I can not wait. I also can not believe that I'll be the age I will be. What that means is I'll be old. OLD. It's a landmark age. 12, 14, 16, 18, 21. I have never liked landmark ages. Reasons for being is that I'm not a fan of even numbers. Odd ones always do it for me. Hopefully this one will.

4. Roommates
I do my dishes, and I don't leave my crap around the house. Enough said.
5. Bands
I never before have claimed membership in a band before now. This one rocks. Literally. Ask me about our shows; you can come, and you can rock too.
6. Missions
I've decided to put aside 1 1/2 years of my life and serve a mission for my church. I'm filling out my papers, and slowly but surely I'll have most of my medical responsibilities taken care of. I feel so right about this decision. It's a little bit scary. I'll be set back in my studies a little bit. I'll come back and have 1 friend. But who cares:

When one man, for whatever reason, has the opportunity to lead and extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself. Jacques-Yves Cousteau

My sweet brother is on a mission right now in Campinas, Brazil. Travis just left on his mission to Budapest, Hungary. My Grandma is in Asuncion, Paraguay. I think I'm going to go crazy with anticipation waiting to find out where I will be called to serve.